I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
You Might Also Like
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
The 6 types of sex
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.