If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
WWE is French for “yes”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips