Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money