I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*