(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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