(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.