My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?