Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”