I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
this is so top tier i cant
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.