Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
we all know this pain all too well
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
i love meeting boys on tinder
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.