christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
In case you needed to hear it:
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.