Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
need him
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”