Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Not messing around
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
couldn’t resist
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
President The Rock Obama
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
why I oughta
Autocorrect is my menesis
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
the composer
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming