i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby