My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
You Might Also Like
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
normalize having existential bread
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).