The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole