Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.![]()
You Might Also Like
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
![]()
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills