I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox