wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
You Might Also Like
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman