Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.