baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
No, I don’t think I will.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
yeah 😭
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.