Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Breaking news:
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE