I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No