I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.


[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*


If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.


{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?


This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?


If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.