Me, after a minor inconvenience:
You Might Also Like
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My last name is Zilla.