Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.