Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.