boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
At least he brought enough for everyone
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!