I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”