Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?