Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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So creative 😂
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.