That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You Might Also Like
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
this article brought to you by lions
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
🙋♀️
mmm onion ringos
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!