My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Breaking news:
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
How to make infinite energy.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.