Did my cat write this
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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
The funk soul brother
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Software Development ⛵️
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.