instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The future is now.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.