[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.