The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I missed you with all my darts
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.