My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing