My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
For anyone who needs this today
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.