Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt