[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
my first day as a raccoon
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I am all good here, 😂😉
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*