Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.