Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
See..?
.
normalize having existential bread
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?