Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

A huge thanks to the person that did this

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.