Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You Might Also Like
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.