Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
