Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”