If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“I’m helping” 😅
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
That’s amazing.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.