Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.