If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you