Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
HERE’S MARKY
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
no refunds
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”