I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
won’t smith
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.