New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.