New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”