Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”