Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.